The Job That Wasn't Mine

A couple months ago, my boss was promoted to the head of Financial Management at the Department of Revenue.  When I heard the news, I was excited for him but selfishly sad for myself.  Shortly after I started at Revenue, I realized how much I could learn from him since he knows the budget process inside and out.  He's a great mentor, a wonderful teacher and I have really grown fond of our working relationship.

All that said, I was devastated earlier this week when I found out that someone else had been selected to replace him.  HE had selected someone else.  I had debated at first if I really wanted the job and all the responsibility that went along with it, so I was a little surprised at how much it affected me once I found out I wasn't selected.  Maybe it was a case of "I didn't know how much I wanted it until I couldn't have it"?  

Long story short (or not so short), there are three positions that report to the Director of Financial Management: Manager of Purchasing/Facilities, Manager of Finance/Accounting and the Budget Manager.  All three managers applied when the Director position came available and my boss got it.  I can understand the other two were probably upset, but I NEVER expected one of them to apply for the Budget Manager position, much less get it.  But that's exactly what happened.  The Manager of Purchasing/Facilities was promoted - the guy who has no budget experience.  NONE.

There are two things I am most upset/insulted by:

1. The upset part: I have lost my opportunity to learn under my boss.  I was hoping I would get this promotion mainly because it would mean I would still maintain my daily working relationship with my current boss.  I would still learn from him and continue to grow professionally.  Instead, I feel like I have been forced to look for another job opportunity outside Revenue because I can't learn budget from this new boss and I have no promotion opportunities anymore. At least not anytime soon.  No chance to move up, make more money, or grow professionally.  I love working at Revenue.  I love the people I work with.  But is that enough?  Will I be satisfied keeping the status quo for the next several years?  I don't want to still be in my same position in 2 or 3 years.  I could stay put and hope something will change, but how long do I do that?  

2.  The insulting part: A guy who has NO experience was picked over me.  I was shocked and dumbfounded as my boss talked about what a hard decision it was.  Really? My co-worker, who has over twenty years of budget experience, also applied.  Neither one of us were good enough to beat out someone who has never worked a day in a budget office.  I was told the reason I wasn't selected was because I didn't have the same level of management experience.  Apparently management experience is vital, budget experience is not. Good to know.  The situation makes my blood boil every time I think about it - so insulting. 

Unfortunately, I found out I wasn't selected on Tuesday afternoon at 4:30.  I was leaving at 5:00 to be on vacation for the next four days.  I sent a quick congratulatory email to my new boss and left the office as quickly as I could.  I think it was a blessing and a curse to be out of the office.  It's a blessing because I don't want to face my co-workers, the ones who told me weeks ago they were certain I would get the job.  "That's what I was hired for"  is what several people reassured me.  It hurts. It's a curse because I have so many questions/comments (now, six days later).  There are so many things I wish I had said to my current boss when he called me into his office, told me the news and asked me if I had any questions.  I shook my head "no" because I just wanted to get out of there, but now that's all I have after thinking about it all week.

I could tell he was genuine when he said it was "the most difficult hiring decision he has had to make" but it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't have the confidence in me that I thought he had. At least that's how I interpret his decision.  He took a calculated risk knowing that whoever didn't get the job would probably leave and his hiring decision tells me he is willing to let me go.  He kept telling me he didn't want me to think he didn't value and appreciate me.  But that's exactly what it feels like.  Plus it's salt in the wound knowing the background of the person selected. 

I know God's timing is perfect, I know that there is a reason for everything, and I've heard that "something better will come along", but I can't help but think: "why?", "where do I go from here?" and "do I look for another job?"  I'm tired of dwelling on this and I need to keep my chin up and move on. Usually blogging helps me do that.  Plus the fact that my sweet husband picked me up a cupcake from Small Cakes on his way home from work Tuesday so I could eat my feelings.  Cupcakes make everything better (and I'm eating another one right now).  Ha ha.  Life goes on - I just wish I knew where it was taking me professionally because the path I thought I was heading down was terribly wrong (or at least substantially delayed).

*Update*
 One thing I have learned about myself over the years is that I can stop dwelling on an issue and move forward once I have talked to the person/persons involved.  I don't like confrontation, but I won't hesitate to stand up for myself.  I talked to my co-worker when I returned to work and he voiced all the same concerns I had.  I asked if he had shared them with our boss and he said "No, what's the point? The decision has been made".  I completely agreed, but I told him I wouldn't stop thinking (obsessing) about the situation until I had voiced my perspective.  So, I marched right into my boss's office and did just that.  Honestly, I was very proud of myself.  It was liberating to tell him exactly how I felt (politely).  This girl isn't going to get walked all over!  I left his office feeling so much better and felt like the air had been cleared.  I could tell he was just as nervous to see me that morning as I was to be there and he told me later he was glad I said something.

  For now, I told Justin that I'm going to concentrate on the positives.  I'm going to take off whenever I want/need to, enjoy minimal responsibilities, and enjoy my stress free time with the kids.  They will only be little once and I have plenty of time to move up the career ladder.  I'm very lucky with our new boss - he's a great guy and I had a good working relationship with him previously.  I'm sure that will continue and I've tried to reassure him I don't mind if he comes to me with questions. I would want someone to help me if the roles were reversed!  I guess I'll just wait and see what the future has in store.  Either at Revenue or elsewhere.